By sarah noll wilson
Not all pushback is harmful. In fact, healthy discernment is vital to trust, clarity, and strong decisions. But when questions are driven by fear, self-protection, or a desire to be “right,” they can become defensiveness in disguise.
This tool helps leaders and team members distinguish between discernment (healthy inquiry) and defensiveness (relational protection). Use it to reflect on your own patterns or to support coaching conversations with others.
Discernment vs. Defensiveness
| When It’s Discernment | When It’s Defensiveness |
| Seeks to understand | Seeks to deflect or protect |
| Asks open-ended, curious questions | Challenges or discredits feedback |
| Explores impact and shared goals | Argues intent or assigns blame |
| Invites deeper dialogue | Avoids vulnerability |
| Willing to sit with discomfort | Reacts to discomfort with control |
Reflection Prompts
Use these questions to reflect on your response to feedback, conflict, or challenging dialogue:
- “Am I asking this to learn, or to win?”
- “What am I trying to protect in this moment?”
- “Do I feel defensive right now? If so, what triggered it?”
- “What would it look like to respond with curiosity instead of certainty?”
- “If I paused before responding, what else might I notice?”
For Leaders and Coaches
If you’re supporting someone who may be showing defensiveness:
- Invite them to look at the chart above.
- Ask: “Which column do you see yourself in right now?”
- Explore: “What support would help you feel safe enough to shift?”
This is not about shame. It’s about building awareness and growing our capacity to stay engaged when conversations get hard.
The goal isn’t to avoid strong opinions. The goal is to stay open enough to be changed by what we hear.
Keep this tool handy for 1:1s, team coaching sessions, or personal reflection. Discernment builds trust. Defensiveness breaks it. The difference is in how we choose to show up.
Sarah Noll Wilson is on a mission to help leaders build and rebuild teams. She aims to empower leaders to understand and honor the beautiful complexity of the humans they serve. Through her work as an Executive Coach, an in-demand Keynote Speaker, Researcher, Contributor to Harvard Business Review, and Bestselling Author of “Don’t Feed the Elephants”, Sarah helps leaders close the gap between what they intend to do and the actual impact they make. She hosts the podcast “Conversations on Conversations”, is certified in Co-Active Coaching and Conversational Intelligence, and is a frequent guest lecturer at universities. In addition to her work with organizations, Sarah is a passionate advocate for mental health.