The Situation – The Manager’s Dilemma
Imagine Jane, a manager who’s been giving feedback to Tom, a team member, for months. Every time she brings up a concern, whether it’s about missing deadlines or not communicating clearly, Tom shuts down, gets defensive, or even tries to justify his behavior with excuses. At first, Jane thought it was just a bad week or two, but months later, the pattern didn’t change. Jane feels stuck. She wonders, “How many times do I need to have this same conversation? And why does he keep reacting like this?”
At this point, Jane’s starting to ask herself if she’s really helping Tom. She’s spent hours crafting feedback, trying different approaches, and still, there’s no shift. She’s exhausted and frustrated. How much longer can she keep doing this? She begins to feel like her hands are tied.
Why It’s Normal (and What’s Really Going On)
As we have discussed before, defensive reactions to feedback are totally normal. Most of us don’t love hearing about things we could improve on, especially when it feels personal. The brain goes into defensive mode when it perceives any kind of feedback as a threat, even if that feedback is meant to help.
It’s important to remember that feedback often taps into deeper feelings of vulnerability or fear of failure, which can easily trigger fight-or-flight responses. For someone like Tom, those feelings might feel overwhelming, especially if he’s insecure or has had negative experiences with criticism in the past. It’s not just about the feedback, it’s about how he feels in the moment.
The Traps We Fall Into (and Why They Don’t Work)
Here’s where managers like Jane often get tripped up. It’s easy to fall into certain traps when dealing with chronic defensiveness, and while they’re well-meaning, they often make things worse.
Trap #1: Over-Accommodating the Defensiveness
Jane might avoid tough conversations with Tom altogether, thinking, “If I don’t bring it up, maybe it’ll just go away.” She might keep feedback vague or sugarcoat it to avoid conflict, but the problem only continues to grow. The feedback gets lost in translation, and Tom never learns what he needs to change.
Why it doesn’t work: Avoidance doesn’t address the root issue. The cycle continues because Tom still hasn’t learned how to process feedback constructively.
Trap #2: Giving Feedback the Same Way Every Time
Jane might be giving the same feedback to Tom the same way every time, thinking if she just repeats herself enough, he’ll “get it.” She’s focusing on what he needs to improve, but the how (the delivery) isn’t changing. If Tom’s defensive every time, maybe it’s time to rethink the approach.
Why it doesn’t work: If the approach is the same and the outcome is the same, it’s time for a change. Feedback needs to feel less like a lecture and more like an invitation to grow.
Trap #3: Trying to Fix the Person
As Jane watches Tom react defensively, she might start seeing him as the problem. She gives him more detailed feedback or more examples, thinking if she just spells it out clearly enough, he’ll understand. But chronic defensiveness isn’t a problem you can fix with more corrections as it’s often a sign of deeper issues, like an inability to reflect or a lack of emotional awareness.
Why it doesn’t work: Feedback isn’t about fixing the person; it’s about inviting them to reflect on their behavior and its impact. If someone can’t internalize feedback or understand its impact, no amount of details will change that.
When It’s Time to Shift the Focus
At some point, Jane realizes that she’s not just giving feedback about Tom’s performance anymore, she’s giving feedback about his ability to receive feedback. And that’s a crucial shift. The conversation isn’t just about his actions anymore; it’s about the pattern of defensiveness and why he’s refusing (or unable) to reflect and internalize the feedback.
So, Jane decides it’s time for a different kind of conversation. She approaches Tom, acknowledging that she understands it’s hard to hear difficult feedback. But she’s also honest with him about the fact that the defensiveness is getting in the way of his growth and that it’s starting to affect the team.
Example conversation:
- “Tom, I know feedback can be tough, and I’m here to support you through this. But we’ve had similar conversations before, and I’m noticing a pattern where, instead of reflecting on the feedback, you immediately respond defensively. It’s making it harder for us to move forward and for you to grow. Can we talk about what’s happening when that feedback comes your way?”
Managing chronic defensiveness isn’t easy, but it’s a necessary step toward growth—both for the individual and for the team. By shifting the conversation from behavioral feedback to emotional awareness and reflection, you can help create an environment where feedback becomes a tool for development, not a battleground.
If feedback always sparks defensiveness, it’s not the feedback, it’s the mindset. Growth requires openness. If Tom can’t engage with that, maybe this isn’t the right place for him.
Tips for a More Successful Outcome
1. Acknowledge the Emotion First
Instead of diving straight into the feedback, start by recognizing the emotional response. Acknowledge that feedback can be uncomfortable and give space for emotions. This creates psychological safety.
- “Tom, I see that this feedback might be difficult for you, and I want to acknowledge that before we dive into it.”
2. Shift the Focus to Impact, Not Just Behavior
Feedback that focuses on impact (not just behavior) encourages reflection. It helps Tom understand that this isn’t about him as a person, but how his actions are affecting others.
- “What do you think the impact of this behavior is on the team? How might it be affecting our work together?”
3. Be Transparent About the Pattern
It’s important to be direct about the recurring issue. Let the person know that you’ve noticed the pattern, and that it’s now about working together to find a way forward, not just about fixing a single mistake.
- “I’ve noticed this pattern, and it’s starting to impact our ability to move forward as a team. Let’s work together to figure out how we can break this cycle.”
4. Set Clear Expectations for Reflection
Feedback should not just be about what went wrong, but about the internal process. Encourage a mindset of continuous reflection, not just external correction.
- “Part of this process is about reflecting on the feedback and considering how it affects the team and your development. I need you to start reflecting on that, so we can move forward.”
5. Be Honest About What Happens Next
If defensiveness continues, be upfront about the consequences. But do so in a supportive way that encourages growth, not punishment.
- “If this continues, we’ll need to dig deeper into why this pattern is happening. I’m committed to supporting you, but we need to work on this.”
The Bottom Line
Managing chronic defensiveness isn’t easy, but it’s a necessary step toward growth—both for the individual and for the team. By shifting the conversation from behavioral feedback to emotional awareness and reflection, you can help create an environment where feedback becomes a tool for development, not a battleground.
If feedback always sparks defensiveness, it’s not the feedback, it’s the mindset. Growth requires openness. If Tom can’t engage with that, maybe this isn’t the right place for him.
Sarah Noll Wilson is on a mission to help leaders build and rebuild teams. She aims to empower leaders to understand and honor the beautiful complexity of the humans they serve. Through her work as an Executive Coach, an in-demand Keynote Speaker, Researcher, Contributor to Harvard Business Review, and Bestselling Author of “Don’t Feed the Elephants”, Sarah helps leaders close the gap between what they intend to do and the actual impact they make. She hosts the podcast “Conversations on Conversations”, is certified in Co-Active Coaching and Conversational Intelligence, and is a frequent guest lecturer at universities. In addition to her work with organizations, Sarah is a passionate advocate for mental health.