When Defensiveness Blocks Progress: How Great Leaders Respond

By sarah noll wilson 

 

A team member debates every piece of feedback. Their responses start with, “That’s not what happened” or “You misunderstood.” They argue, deflect, and reframe. When asked to consider a new approach, they explain why it won’t work. When conflict arises, they either shut down or counterattack.  

This isn’t just a one-off. It’s a pattern.  

Defensiveness is one of the most common, and most corrosive, behaviors that leaders must navigate. While it often comes from a place of protection, it can stall progress, damage relationships, and erode trust.  

So, what can you do when you’re working with someone who is perpetually defensive?  

 

First, Understand What You’re Seeing  

Defensiveness is a form of self-protection. According to John Gottman’s research on relational breakdowns, defensiveness is one of the “Four Horsemen” that signal declining trust.

It often looks like:   

• Arguing with or dismissing feedback  

• Blaming others for mistakes  

• Turning the focus back on the person offering the feedback  

• Making excuses instead of reflecting  

• Avoiding accountability by intellectualizing or over-explaining  

 In the workplace, defensiveness may sound like:  

• “No one else had a problem with it.”  

• “This process just doesn’t make sense.”  

• “You’re taking this too personally.”  

• “That’s just how I am.”  

And it may look like:  

• Arms crossed, leaning back, or physically withdrawing from the table  

• Redirecting blame to others in conversations 

• Frequent “clarifying” questions that sidetrack the conversation  

• Avoiding follow-up conversations  

• Over-explaining decisions without acknowledging consequences  

It may feel personal, but it’s often rooted in fear: fear of being wrong, of losing credibility, of feeling exposed. Defensiveness is a signal that someone feels unsafe or vulnerable, but that does not make it acceptable.  

 

Look for Patterns, Not Moments  

Everyone gets defensive from time to time. But when it becomes a default response, it’s a problem.  

Ask yourself:  

• Does this person regularly debate or reject feedback?  

• Are they unwilling to reflect or explore alternative perspectives?  

• Does every conversation become an argument or deflection?  

If the answer is yes, you’re not dealing with a momentary reaction, you’re dealing with a pattern. Patterns are what erode trust. They limit growth, stifle innovation, and create emotional labor for everyone else on the team.  

 

How to Respond to Perpetual Defensiveness 

 

1. Name the Pattern Calmly

Don’t focus on individual incidents. Instead, describe what you’re seeing over time.  

“I’ve noticed that when feedback is offered, your response is often to explain why it doesn’t apply or why someone else is responsible. This has happened in several conversations now.”  

Use neutral language. Stick to behaviors. Stay steady.  

2. Focus on Impact

“When that happens, it makes it hard for us to move forward. It also creates a dynamic where people may hesitate to be honest, because they anticipate resistance.”  

Defensiveness doesn’t just affect the person doing it — it affects the whole team.  

3. Set Expectations

“Going forward, I need you to approach feedback with curiosity, not defense. That means pausing, reflecting, and asking questions instead of immediately pushing back.”  

You’re not asking them to agree with everything. You’re asking them to engage.  

4. Don’t Get Hooked

Defensive people often try to shift the conversation to prove their perspective. Resist the urge to argue or justify.  

Return to the impact. Repeat the expectations. Stay grounded.  

“I hear you have a different perspective. Right now, what matters is how we move forward.”  

5. Offer a Path to Repair

“This pattern is getting in the way of your effectiveness. I’m open to helping you grow through it, but that requires willingness.”  

If they show openness, support them. Offer coaching, feedback frameworks, or reflection time.  

If they don’t, document the pattern and escalate if needed. You cannot do the work for them.  

 

Final Thought  

Defensiveness is human. Persistent defensiveness is harmful. As a leader, your role is not to fix it for others, but to:  

• Create clarity  

• Protect the team’s ability to function  

• Hold others accountable for how they show up  

 

Not everyone will be ready to reflect. But everyone must be responsible for the impact of their behavior. Trust and psychological safety don’t come from avoiding tension. They come from being willing to face it — together.  

And that starts with holding up the mirror, even when someone tries to look away.