How to Work Together, Even When We Disagree

 

by Gilmara Vila Nova-Mitchell

 

This month, we’re talking a lot about “freeing elephants,” which means addressing avoidance in our lives, what that looks like, and what it means in the bigger picture. Speaking of the bigger picture, to me, having conversations and listening to others in a way that diminishes our avoidance is critical to being able to move forward.*

 

Let me tell you a story: right in the midst of processing the unimaginable events of September 11, 2001, I read a book that deeply influenced me: Turning to One Another: Simple Conversations to Restore Hope to the Future by Wheatley, Margaret J., 2002. In the book, the brilliant Margaret Wheatley suggests that as we work together to create a better future, we need to include a different skill into how we show up. That skill is our willingness to be disturbed. 

 

How often do you see someone willing to have their beliefs and ideas challenged by what others think? It is not possible to have the answers for the problems we are facing today based on our single narrow perspective. We are a lot more likely to find those answers by admitting we don’t know everything and that we can’t struggle alone anymore. Today’s challenges are way too complex and require collective perspectives, but letting go of our certainty and expecting ourselves to be confused as we search for answers isn’t easy. We are often uncomfortable admitting we don’t know. Many of us prefer to sound certain and confident, stating our opinions as if it were true—a path that doesn’t always serve us.

 

Let’s look at the inverse of this: Have you ever been rewarded for being confused? Or for asking the difficult questions? What if you were?

 

Our culture tends to value quick answers and certainty, but to become skilled listeners, we have to be willing to live with uncertainty. We need to become used to being confused. The most profound changes I have gone through started with confusion and required me to challenge my cherished beliefs to make way for the new. 

 

It is time to stop listening to others to determine whether we agree with them or not. It is time to develop the courage and interest to sit and listen to those who think differently than we do. Our positions and our beliefs help define us; they lie at the heart of our personal identity. That is what makes it so hard to let go of them…yet we need to learn how to think and work together in new ways to meet the demands of the world we live in. This doesn’t mean giving up what you stand for; instead, it means becoming more curious about what someone else believes. Those perspectives can add so much to our worldview and critical thinking skills, whether we “agree” or not.

 

How to Listen for Differences

A strategy I learned by reading this book that has served me well over the years in increasing my self-awareness and connecting deeper with others is to listen for what surprises me. What did I just hear that startled me? This takes practice, as most of us usually sit nodding our heads when people say things we agree with. But when we start noticing what surprises us, we are able to make our own positions more visible, including our beliefs and assumptions. We are able to expose our own beliefs. As Margaret Wheatley shares, “If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. If what you say disturbs me, I must believe something contrary to you.” 

 

It is a great gift to be able to see our own beliefs, but it is equally as beneficial to take time to decide whether we still value our beliefs and assumptions. Whether they still serve us a purpose, or if we will be better off letting go of them and changing our minds.

 

Let’s all practice listening for what’s new as we have conversations. Listen closely for what surprises you. See if this practice helps you learn something new about yourself and how others can add to your perspectives and influence your beliefs. By practicing this strategy for listening differently, you will create opportunities to evaluate your own beliefs and assumptions and develop a better relationship with the people around you. 

 

Many times a day, we have the chance to practice being curious rather than certain. Let’s use these opportunities and practice listening with this new mindset so we can get transformed and find the solutions for the complex challenges we face today. The truth? We don’t have to agree to collaborate well. In fact, the people who add the most to my professional life think very differently from me.

 

“It’s not differences that divide us. It’s our judgments about each other that do.” -Margaret Wheatley 

*A big caveat: The advice I’ve shared presumes that you are physically safe in these situations and are able to be respected while having respectful dialogue/practicing your listening. It is not absolutely not advocating for tolerating harmful, dangerous, or disrespectful words or behaviors.

 

 

 

 

 

Work With Gilmara

 

Gilmara Vila Nova-Mitchell is a Leadership and Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Consultant who is on a mission to put people first and help others do the same. Gilmara is passionate about nurturing leaders’ capacity to focus on the organizational strategic direction while demonstrating a profound care for people. Through her signature style of heart, honesty, and thoughtful inquiry, Gilmara helps people create relationships and cultures that are inclusive, collaborative, and deeply connected. Gilmara leverages 20 years of professional experience collaborating with organizations of multiple sizes and sectors through her workshops, executive coaching sessions, and keynotes.

 

Gilmara holds a Bachelor of Multicultural Education from FUMEC University (Brazil) and a MSE in School Counseling from Drake University. She has completed doctoral studies in Organizational Development with a focus on trust in the workplace.

 

Why Choose Gilmara? 

 

With her expertise in responding to diverse workforces, unfamiliar markets, and rapid shifts, Gilmara uses heart, honesty, and thoughtful inquiry to:

 

• Embrace diversity and foster an inclusive environment.
• Encourage growth, innovation, and new perspectives.
• Build strong, trust-based relationships within teams.

 

Reach out today!