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Growth Central: A Q&A With Elaine Lin Hering, Author of Unlearning Silence

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Leadership Personal Growth Self-Awareness February 29, 2024

We are constantly on the lookout for opportunities to learn and grow. One such opportunity that has been making a big impact on our team lately is Elaine Lin Hering’s upcoming book, Unlearning Silence: How to Speak Your Mind, Unleash Talent, and Live More Fully.

It launches March 19, but you can preorder your copy now (be sure to check out the bonus material)!

We think it’s so important that we’re sending the first ten people who reach out to us a free copy when it comes out later this month (see details below).

 

What’s the story behind the book? What has become clearer since? Here’s a Q&A with Elaine, who answers those questions (and then some):

 

Q: Can you talk a little about your personal journey to Unlearning Silence? Why did you write this book?
A: Everyone says you write the book that you needed when you were younger, and in some ways, I wrote the book that I still need. Staying silent was how I learned to fit in, stay in this country, and get a seat at the table. But as I mimicked the advice other people offered for speaking up and having difficult conversations (that too often boiled down to “just do it” or “have more courage”) I found the advice unsatisfying and at times irresponsible. So I started to dig in. Why don’t people speak up? I landed on silence — the silence we’ve learned and that we each in different ways perpetuate. I wrote this book to offer a more accurate perspective of why so many of us feel like we can’t be ourselves, and what well-intentioned leaders can do to actually support the people they lead.

 

Q: What did you find most challenging about bringing this book to life? What about most rewarding?
The most challenging part is that real life doesn’t stop when you’re trying to write a book. This book was born out of a difficult time: dealing with the pandemic, working in a toxic workplace, watching loved ones getting diagnoses and chemo, raising a young child, navigating all the dynamics I discuss in the book of being silenced.
The most rewarding part has been naming this very common experience so many people have had . . . and knowing that change is possible. I love seeing the message resonate for complete strangers and helping them feel seen, known, and heard. I’m grateful we all have the opportunity to choose a different way.

 

Q: What became clearer to you in the process of writing this book (or what is clearer to you now having written it)?
A: That silence is real–and that it is possible to unlearn it. Writing this book has been an exercise in unlearning my own silence–my own doubts of whether I had anything valuable to add, my own patterns of editing myself to show other people deference and respect, my own interrogation of whether my worth came from regurgitating someone else’s thoughts rather than having my own. Writing this book has helped me see that I am not alone and that I also have influence and opportunity to shape the world around me.

 

Q: Who needs to read this?
A: People who are not sure whether they have a voice, who don’t feel heard in meetings, their workplaces, or their homes. People who lead or care about other people.
Also, I say it better in the book, so here’s that excerpt:

This is a book for people who have been told that using their voice is the leadership skill they need for the next level, who want to get their points of view across in meetings and finally get people to listen.

This is a book for people who have been silenced— who have been told they are not good enough, who have had to carefully calibrate what they can share and who they can be, and who struggle to know what their voice sounds like after so many years of being put down.

This is a book for anyone who wants to be seen, known, heard, and valued, and is coming to the conclusion that the people around you can’t support you unless you provide guidance about how they might best do so.

This is also a book for well- intentioned leaders and family members who genuinely want to do better. You believe in honoring the dignity of each human being, but don’t yet see how your actions silence the very people you intend to support.

Q: If you had to distill it, what are the two or three biggest things you hope readers take away from it (or hope they do/think more about moving forward)?
For people who have been silenced, I hope you realize it wasn’t you. It wasn’t because there was something wrong with you or that you weren’t good enough. It’s that you learned silence and the people around you continue to silence you. For everyone, I hope it shows that there can be a different way of living and leading–a way that better honors the dignity of each human being. I hope readers more consciously choose their actions going forward as we all have influence over each others’ lives.

 

Q: When we think about silencing others, people could misinterpret it as being obvious/malicious things. (“Don’t ruin the good vibes/rock the boat/etc.”) What are some other sneaky ways you’ve observed or experienced that we silence others?
A: We silence people by requiring them to speak up in a certain way in order to be heard. You could call this tone policing, but at its most basic level, our expectation that people have to communicate with us using our preferred medium inclines the people who don’t share the same preference toward silence by creating an additional barrier to their entering the conversation. In corporate spaces, the unspoken norm of having to talk in three succinct bullet points in real-time meetings (with no umms and just enough emotion to show you care but not enough emotion that you lose credibility) limits who gets heard and whose voices are silenced.

Want more?

For more, listen to Elaine and Sarah on the Conversations on Conversations podcast:

Episode 076: A Conversation on Unlearning Silence with Elaine Lin Hering

BONUS: We’ll send the first ten people who reach out to us a FREE copy of ELAINE’S book UPON RELEASE. If you want in, email hello@SarahNollWilson.com. Please include your shipping address.
Sarah Noll Wilson
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Sarah Noll Wilson is on a mission to help leaders build and rebuild teams. She aims to empower leaders to understand and honor the beautiful complexity of the humans they serve. Through her work as an Executive Coach, an in-demand Keynote Speaker, Researcher, Contributor to Harvard Business Review, and Bestselling Author of “Don’t Feed the Elephants”, Sarah helps leaders close the gap between what they intend to do and the actual impact they make. She hosts the podcast “Conversations on Conversations”, is certified in Co-Active Coaching and Conversational Intelligence, and is a frequent guest lecturer at universities. In addition to her work with organizations, Sarah is a passionate advocate for mental health.

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