By Dr. Teresa Peterson
What comes up for you when you hear the word “repair” in the context of relationships?
Whether we’re talking about repairing relationships in the workplace or on the homefront, building our muscle for having difficult or uncomfortable conversations steeped in self-awareness is often one of the first—and one of the most important—dominos to fall.
In our work, often the hesitation we hear when we talk about the idea of repair center around a few key concerns:
- “Repair feels unsafe for me right now.”
- “Repair feels hard and messy, and I don’t want to get it wrong. So, I’m just not going to try and keep pretending everything is fine.”
- “Repair feels like it will take a lot of time and energy, and I just can’t get into that right now.”
Sound familiar?
First and foremost, repairing relationships is not a mandate. If you’re not feeling safe, don’t have psychological safety in your environment, fear retaliation for speaking up, etc. . . you don’t owe anyone a repair. (Read that sentence as many times as you need to. I’ll wait.)
But if your hesitations are the latter two, I have good news: repairing might feel a little uncomfortable, but it doesn’t have to be hard or take a ton of time. Often, these are only stories we tell ourselves to feed avoidance.
Let’s look at an example together. Picture this: two executives in a financial company butt heads on an issue. Instead of resolving it, they avoid it—doing their own thing, going their own way, bucking the whole idea of collaboration on a project that clearly requires it as mission-critical. They assume it will all be fine and that it will only affect the two of them.
The result won’t surprise you: breakdowns start. Inefficiencies creep up that are felt by not only the rest of the executive team but even frontline employees. The project has its victories along the way, but those small wins are temporary and don’t result in anything long-term or sustainable for the organization.
This continues on this trajectory until finally, one of the leaders goes to the other.
“I think we need to work on this,” he says. “I need to own the role I played because I want to move forward.”
“Well, we both know what happened,” she replies. “You flat-out decided you didn’t want to work with me anymore on this because I didn’t agree with your approach, and that’s how we got here.”
In that moment, the leader who started the conversation has a few choices: deflect, point the finger back, minimize, rehash the whole thing, etc.
But he doesn’t.
“You’re right,” he says. “You disagreed with me, and I didn’t like it. So I started working around you. But we can’t continue like this. I think we can both agree there is too much at stake. When I feel like this again, I’m going to make sure to discuss it with you thoughtfully.”
“And when this happens again,” she says, “I’ll be more flexible and open to that conversation.”
Bingo.
It’s important to note that repairing doesn’t mean we agree with things that aren’t true, but in this case, what she’d said was true. By acknowledging his role, the executive who’d initiated the conversation fizzled a consequential conflict that had been brewing for weeks—all in less than ten minutes.
What’s Next?
In our example, a lot went wrong at first.
But then, a lot went right:
- The party who caused the injury/spurred the avoidance in the first place initiated the conversation
- Both parties were honest about the roles they played
- They both offered an idea about what to do differently in the future
Uncomfortable? Yes, maybe a little.
Too hard to attempt?
Too long a task to consider?
Not at all.
Of course, not every attempt at repair will be as smooth as the one above, but the more we practice, the better we’ll get. And the effort is worth it.
If you need support here, we can help. For more on navigating difficult conversations and moving toward repair, read the new Don’t Feed the Elephants! Workbook and consider joining us for our virtual book study starting at the end of this month. We’ll learn together and build community. I hope to see you there!
If self-guided is more your style, you may enjoy our webinar series Getting Curious: How to Use the Curiosity-First Approach™ to Build Self-Awareness, Navigate Conflict, and Drive Impact.
Dr. Teresa Peterson
Dr. Teresa Peterson is the Director of Learning and Development for Sarah Noll Wilson, Inc. In her daily work, she serves as Sarah’s key content collaborator. Teresa enjoys facilitating, researching, and is passionate about applying best practices for learning to make our experiences meaningful, engaging, and accessible for all types of learners. Teresa holds a Doctorate in Education from the University of Northern Iowa and brings over twenty years of experience teaching, facilitating, and leading to our team. Our clients love Teresa’s grounded energy, depth of thought, and ability to listen deeply.