For most of my early adult life, I avoided uncomfortable or difficult conversations whenever possible. I did not understand my brain, and I did not understand my emotions. I knew enough to know what I was experiencing was anger, joy, or surprise, but I did not have the self-awareness to be able to be really in tune with them. And more importantly, to be able to regulate them.
Eschewing Violent Politeness
Growing up in the Midwest, I was regularly exposed to the violent politeness that has been colloquially branded as “Midwest Nice.” Difficult conversations are avoided as a facet of culture here, for better or worse. And I went right along with what I grew up with, avoiding conversations regularly.
While I had many moments of speaking up and pushing against the boundaries of authority, that same courage did not extend to my personal relationships. It is much easier to have courage when you have nothing to lose, but when it came to my most precious connections, I was a skilled avoider and smoother-over.
It was not until I began learning about adaptive workplace cultures during the 2008 financial crisis that I started to unpick the web of avoidance skills I had acquired. During this time, I went back to school and got my Master’s degree in Leadership Development at Drake University.
Through my graduate studies, I truly fell in love with the philosophy and practices of Adaptive Leadership, a leadership framework developed by Harvard professors Ronald Heifetz, Alexander Grashow, and Marty Linsky that “helps individuals and organizations adapt and thrive in challenging environments.” Through their work, I was introduced not only to the idea of the elephant in the room, but the understanding that truly adaptive cultures are ones where the elephant can be called out. Thus, a new curiosity was born. I wrote my master’s thesis on Adaptive Leadership and began considering the question I have been working with for the last decade: how do you create a culture where elephants can be addressed and better yet, prevented?
As my desire to dance in the land of courageous conversations increased, I realized that my skills did not match my will. Sometimes I was too blunt, and too passionate. Sometimes I could not control my emotions or did not know how to respond when the other person could not control their emotions either. I grew frustrated when the other person became defensive, or I would be the defensive one, failing to recognize my own behavior as defense.
The Pivot
I remember a relationship with a colleague at a former workplace was radically transformed through this work. We had been working on creating materials that required specific branding elements, and while my expertise is on the learnings, the design elements were not my strongest skill set. The branding manager at the time was often passionate in her explanations of how, when, and why to use elements within a presentation, and I found myself constantly on the defense with a triggered amygdala during these interactions.
I was talking it over with my manager at the time, and it was during one of these conversations that she asked me “So what do you think it is in that moment that’s so frustrating? What values of you are not being honored?” and an a-ha just presented itself to me…I was being talked at, not spoken with. The branding manager was not trying to understand what I was trying to accomplish, instead, they made assumptions and my perception was that they condescended to me about what needed to be fixed. I was happy to be wrong, but what I struggled with was the lack of curiosity about why decisions were made the way they were.
After having a few prep conversations with my boss (and therapist) I set up a time with this person to talk through the issues. This wasn’t comfortable. But while I was feeling uneasy, I knew the relationship needed repair. During the conversation, the branding manager kept saying how difficult it was for her, too, and it took so much courage for me to finally speak up and advocate for myself. And I almost did not let her share her side because I was so focused on making sure she understood how frustrated I was. But I pushed that instinct down and asked her to tell me more about her frustrations. It was through my willingness to get curious that I realized there was more going on behind-the-scenes than I knew, and right or wrong, she was taking out her general frustrations with me. While I was feeling unheard, she was feeling left out of what was a critical project at our organization.
We eventually found a resolution and came to an understanding. But the true outcome of that conversation is the way our relationship was fundamentally transformed and how we were now bonded. We knew we could have these tough conversations with each other, and that layer of psychological safety we co-created meant our future work together was transformational.
A Future of Freeing Elephants
From that moment on I started to see relationships differently. I started to see those missed opportunities and moments where we chose avoidance over acknowledgment. I saw how trust was regularly eroded in relationships. I saw opportunities for deeper relationships slip through our fingers.
A few years ago, my passion for creating a manual to help others find their own ‘a-has’ intensified. For the past decade-plus, I have been on a mission for the teams I worked on, the companies I have served, and for myself: How do you overcome avoidance of conflict when avoidance was all you knew?
And even more importantly, how do you create a culture where elephants are prevented or at least do not stick around long?
And the answer turned out to be a labor of love called Don’t Feed the Elephants!
This book is my love letter to my fellow avoiders. Because I realize now I was not just avoiding conflict, in many situations, I was avoiding connection as well.
For those of you who need steppingstones to push beyond your comfort zone…
For those who want more tools to show up differently…
For those in power who need to learn how to receive an elephant-freeing conversation…
This book is for you.
Sarah Noll Wilson is on a mission to help leaders build and rebuild teams. She aims to empower leaders to understand and honor the beautiful complexity of the humans they serve. Through her work as an Executive Coach, an in-demand Keynote Speaker, Researcher, Contributor to Harvard Business Review, and Bestselling Author of “Don’t Feed the Elephants”, Sarah helps leaders close the gap between what they intend to do and the actual impact they make. She hosts the podcast “Conversations on Conversations”, is certified in Co-Active Coaching and Conversational Intelligence, and is a frequent guest lecturer at universities. In addition to her work with organizations, Sarah is a passionate advocate for mental health.