Join us in shouting happy birthday to the Don’t Feed the Elephants! Workbook!
This book teaches us all how to show up for ourselves and others in moments when the heat rises. As a companion to the 2022 bestseller Don’t Feed the Elephants! Overcoming the Art of Avoidance to Build Powerful Partnerships, this workbook offers actionable strategies and thought-provoking prompts to help you navigate the complexities of relationships, increase your self-awareness, explore possibilities, and take intentional action.
With candor, courage, and care, co-authors Sarah Noll Wilson and Dr. Teresa Peterson take us on a journey toward creating cultures of belonging while helping individuals, teams, and organizations overcome avoidance to create more meaningful connections and inspire growth.
If you’re a partner, a parent, a sibling, a leader, a team member, a volunteer, or anyone who wants to improve the quality of your conversations, this workbook is for you.
Get your copy–and check out the bundle options, including one with a book study—at www.TheLeaderCampus.com.
We’ve got a sneak peek for you below. And if you missed the other excerpt we shared this month, check out: Signs There Might be an Elephant in the Room.
The Following is An excerpt from Don’t Feed the Elephants! Workbook by Sarah Noll Wilson and Dr. Teresa Peterson
Are You Feeding The Elephant?
When it comes to conversations, we most often hear that people want to speak honestly and directly without causing harm or discomfort. That does sound wonderful, doesn’t it? In fact, nine out of 10 conversations miss the mark according to Judith E. Glaser and her work on Conversational Intelligence. Sometimes we aren’t clear enough. Sometimes we are distracted or on autopilot. Sometimes we don’t check for understanding between the speaker and the listener. Sometimes we want to provoke or attack. And… sometimes…we feed an elephant to avoid the conversation entirely.
We feed elephants because avoiding usually feels more comfortable than addressing them…in the short term anyway.
Why do we feed elephants?
Here are a few common reasons people might decide to not have a conversation. Take a moment and read through the different examples. Consider which ones resonate with you, which ones might feel uncomfortable to consider, and which ones you have not experienced but someone else might have experienced.
Fear of Consequences: Many people avoid tough conversations because they fear potential fallout. Questions like, “Will I be excluded?”, “Will this harm my career?”, “Will I damage important relationships?” are common. People worry about what might happen if they speak up—will they lose relationships, opportunities, or even respect? For example, an employee might hesitate to bring up a recurring issue in meetings because they fear being seen as a complainer, which could damage their reputation or career prospects. Similarly, a middle manager might avoid raising concerns about unrealistic deadlines because they don’t want to risk straining relationships with upper management.
Fear of Loss: It’s not really change people fear—it’s what they might lose in the process. Someone might hold back from bringing up issues because they’re scared of losing status, comfort, or a sense of safety. For example, an LGBTQ+ employee might avoid talking about discriminatory practices because they fear losing their sense of belonging in the team, even if it might lead to positive changes. Or a long-tenured employee might resist new systems because they’re worried about losing the familiarity and expertise that give them value in their role.
Desire to Protect Power: Those with power might steer clear of tough conversations to hold onto their power or influence. Maybe a white manager avoids addressing racial biases because they’re afraid it could make them look vulnerable or jeopardize their authority. Or a senior employee might ignore team conflicts to maintain their image as a neutral leader, even if it means allowing problems to fester.
Systemic Silencing and Retaliation: For some, speaking up feels risky because they’ve seen what happens when others do—it doesn’t end well. Women of color, for example, often get sidelined or punished for raising concerns about discrimination or inequity. Individuals in lower-power positions, like an entry-level worker, may stay quiet about mistreatment because they fear being labeled as difficult or even losing their job. The fear of systemic retaliation can prevent anyone—regardless of background—from addressing issues that challenge entrenched power structures.
Normalization of Harmful Behavior: Sometimes, harmful behavior becomes so routine that no one even questions it anymore. In a high-pressure workplace, for example, constant overwork might be the norm, so people avoid bringing up work-life balance issues because it’s just “how things are done.”
Emotional and Cognitive Overload: Tackling tough issues takes energy that some people just don’t have. A parent juggling work and home life might choose to ignore unrealistic deadlines at work because they don’t have the mental space to fight that battle. Or someone facing microaggressions might decide it’s not worth the exhaustion of explaining their experience yet again, especially if they’ve been brushed off in the past.
Perception of Futility or Hopelessness: When people believe that speaking up won’t lead to meaningful change, they may decide it’s not worth the effort. For instance, a long-serving employee who has seen past attempts to change company culture go nowhere might stop voicing concerns, believing that their input won’t make a difference. Similarly, someone from a marginalized group may have experienced being dismissed or ignored when raising issues about bias, leading them to feel that speaking up won’t change anything.
Internalized Beliefs and Biases: Sometimes the barriers are within. Internalized beliefs can lead people to doubt whether their concerns are worth raising. Someone struggling with mental health issues might avoid bringing them up at work because they’ve internalized the stigma that says they should just “tough it out.”
How do we feed elephants?
There are dozens of elephant-feeding behaviors—both that we’ve done ourselves and we’ve heard from others. Here are a few responses:
- We avoid asking for what we need. When we don’t share our needs, boundaries, or expectations, the conditions are just right for frustration to build and barriers to begin.
- We might talk to everyone except the person we should be talking to about an issue. We might blame, criticize, or plot. We might deflect or minimize an issue on our teams because they haven’t personally affected us yet or because we want to appear to be “above” conflict. Sometimes we want to maintain the façade that our team has no conflict at all. (PS, when people tell us their team has no conflict, it’s a big red flag for us.)
- We hold untested assumptions. Our assumptions were likely true at one time but might not be true now. We often allow our assumptions to fill in the rest of a story or to justify our lack of action.
- We defer to someone else—usually the formal leader or HR. Typically under the guise of “not stepping on someone’s toes,” we likely defer as a form of work avoidance and to maintain personal comfort.
Want More?
Get your copy–and check out the different bundle options–at www.theleadercampus.com.
Sarah Noll Wilson is on a mission to help leaders build and rebuild teams. She aims to empower leaders to understand and honor the beautiful complexity of the humans they serve. Through her work as an Executive Coach, an in-demand Keynote Speaker, Researcher, Contributor to Harvard Business Review, and Bestselling Author of “Don’t Feed the Elephants”, Sarah helps leaders close the gap between what they intend to do and the actual impact they make. She hosts the podcast “Conversations on Conversations”, is certified in Co-Active Coaching and Conversational Intelligence, and is a frequent guest lecturer at universities. In addition to her work with organizations, Sarah is a passionate advocate for mental health.
Dr. Teresa Peterson
Dr. Teresa Peterson is the Director of Learning and Development for Sarah Noll Wilson, Inc. In her daily work, she serves as Sarah’s key content collaborator. Teresa enjoys facilitating, researching, and is passionate about applying best practices for learning to make our experiences meaningful, engaging, and accessible for all types of learners. Teresa holds a Doctorate in Education from the University of Northern Iowa and brings over twenty years of experience teaching, facilitating, and leading to our team. Our clients love Teresa’s grounded energy, depth of thought, and ability to listen deeply.