The Elephant in the Room Isn’t Who or What You Think It Is 

The following was adapted from Don’t Feed the Elephants!, an upcoming book from Sarah Noll Wilson, available everywhere books are sold.

Often, I will hear people speak about the elephant in the room as if it is a person—but it is not. A person, process, or project may cause issues, but our avoidance ultimately creates the elephant.  

Your annoying coworker is not an elephant.  

Your coworker’s annoying behavior is not even necessarily the elephant.  

It is your or others’ aversion to addressing your coworker’s annoying behavior that gives the elephant in the room life—that is if that aversion prevents you from productively collaborating with them on the project.  

The elephant is the avoidance. The elephant in the room is created when people see a topic, problem, or risk that impacts success. Still, they avoid acknowledging it, do not attempt resolution, or assume a solution is not possible.  

What Creates an Elephant in the Room at Work?  

Conflicts and disagreements on their own do not equal the elephant in the room. If we resolve a disagreement or have an uncomfortable conversation, there is no elephant. And sometimes we may overcome our avoidance and still not resolve the dispute.  

There is a common limiting belief we hear from our clients that a positive relationship does not have much conflict, but a productive relationship is one where all parties can disagree openly, effectively, and respectfully. Those relationships recover quickly from disagreement and do not linger in a conflicted state.   

Relationships, where disagreement is well managed are elephant-free, or at the very least, do not encourage elephants to stick around for long. In effective relationships, all parties expect a fair and timely cycle of disagreement to recovery, making it easier to delve into necessary conflicts from psychological safety.  

Unlike conflict in an effective relationship, fighting in a relationship where elephants are present will likely lead to resentment, paralysis, or a feeling of resignation. Conflict becomes a barrier to success when we do not recover, repair, and move on more powerfully from disagreements, and the elephant search needs to begin.  

What Does it Feel Like to Have an Elephant in the Room?

Sometimes we have gotten so good at tolerating an elephant that we do not realize it is there. Or we do not allow ourselves to fully register the presence of an elephant because it is too scary or uncomfortable. It is helpful to figure out what the presence of an elephant feels like so we can begin to connect those warning signs with the need to act. If we numb our intuitive senses, the elephant can quickly become the norm.  

For me, the elephant in the room often comes across as energy of direct, silent heaviness. There’s tension, and I feel tightness and pressure that can make it hard to breathe—as if an elephant were sitting on my chest. My eyes dart back and forth, looking for the cause. I’ll think, “Oh wow. What’s going on here?” 

When I am facilitating a workshop, and it is not my elephant, I will still feel the pressure and anxiety; my heart will race, but I also get excited because I know this team has the potential for a powerful learning moment.  

Here’s how other people in an online survey (Digital and social media survey conducted 7/11/19) have described feeling when there is an elephant in the room:  

• “Unease, uncertainty, exasperation (just talk about it already!) wondering if it’s my place to speak up and address it.”  
• “It’s uncomfortable. You feel as if you want to speak out but aren’t sure if you should or not.”  
• “A bit of fear. Loss of control. A sense of ‘if we can’t talk about it, my job here is much more difficult, if not impossible.’ Will I be shunned if I call it out?”  

The most frequently used words used from the data we collected were tense, anxious, and awkward.  

Take a moment and think about your own experience. What does it feel like to you when experiencing an elephant in the room?  

The Cost of Unaddressed Issues in the Workplace

An elephant left to roam free in a workplace can cause much damage to the organization but, more importantly, to the people involved. Some of that damage can be immediately apparent, but you may never see some. Think of an apple with its skin on. It looks like an ordinary apple. Now, imagine that you have dropped that apple a few times, or it got crushed in your grocery bag. When you select that apple, it may still look fine, but it is not until you cut it open that you will see the bruising and damage. The same is true when we allow conflict to fester—even if that conflict is merely imagined and lives in our heads.  

Here is what happens when we allow an elephant to linger:  

• Distrust increases, and trust decreases.  
• Team members grow disengaged and disheartened.  
• Creativity and innovation cannot thrive.  
• People spend energy actively avoiding instead of taking action.  
• Ongoing stress can harm a person’s mental and physical health. 
  

According to data collected by Cy Wakeman for her book Reality-Based Leadership, people spend on average six hours a day dealing with drama. That means finding ways to address the issue(s) at play, something I playfully refer to as “freeing the elephants,” can have an enormous positive impact on productivity.  

How to Free the Elephant in the Room

Not all elephants are the same size. Your coworker could be heading into an interview with broccoli in their teeth, and you and your team members see it but do not say anything. That not saying anything is a micro-elephant.  

On the opposite extreme are the gigantic, mastodon-sized elephants sitting on a company as they struggle with a truly toxic culture and a CEO who is unwilling to address the damage and their role in the toxicity. 

Often, we lean on our avoidance because we are trying to protect our relationships or ourselves. These are natural reactions. When we feel stressed, our brains feel threatened, and they go into protection mode. How does this work, and how can we use this information about how our brain processes events on our journey to face and overcome our elephants? 

In my book, Don’t Feed the Elephants!, I discuss exactly this. 

Great relationships are not the ones where there is no conflict, but the ones where you can resolve and recover from the conflict and thrive because of it. Where you can step into the fire together, and both come out stronger.  

When we approach our metaphorical elephants-in-the-room with compassion, curiosity, and courage, we’re able to dance at the moment with other people in a vulnerable way that opens our relationships to powerful possibilities.  

By the end of Don’t Feed the Elephants!, you will be equipped to push past your comfort zone, roll up your sleeves and get curious.

Sarah Noll Wilson

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Sarah Noll Wilson is on a mission to help leaders build and rebuild teams. She aims to empower leaders to understand and honor the beautiful complexity of the humans they serve. Through her work as an Executive Coach, an in-demand Keynote Speaker, Researcher, Contributor to Harvard Business Review, and Bestselling Author of “Don’t Feed the Elephants”, Sarah helps leaders close the gap between what they intend to do and the actual impact they make. She hosts the podcast “Conversations on Conversations”, is certified in Co-Active Coaching and Conversational Intelligence, and is a frequent guest lecturer at universities. In addition to her work with organizations, Sarah is a passionate advocate for mental health.

• Boundaries 101: How to Set Them, Why It’s Hard, and What Not to Do 
• Episode 106: Revisiting a Conversation on Avoidance with Dr. Teresa Peterson
• The Evolving Work of Freeing Elephants
• Episode 105: A Conversation on Inclusive and Sustainable Leadership with Tiana Sanchez