Boundaries 101: How to Set Them, Why It’s Hard, and What Not to Do 

Contributed by Vanessa McNeal,

Keynote Speaker and Success Coach

 

 

The need for healthy boundaries is ever-present in our lives, but navigating them can feel especially topical at certain points—when we’re taking an inventory of our relationships, when the holidays approach, when we’re in a season of change . . . the list goes on. 

 

Ultimately, boundaries represent the invisible lines in the sand that show people where our energy starts and ends. Setting them effectively is one of the most important ways to take care of ourselves and others—but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. I have seen in my work and my life that so many people find them hard to integrate effectively, and I’d like to help.

 

That’s why, in this article, we’ll explore:

• What boundaries are and how to set them
• How we can misuse boundaries
• Why it can feel so hard to set and uphold boundaries at times (and what to do about it).

 

Let’s get started.

What is a Healthy Boundary, and How do I Set One?

 

Conventional conversations about boundaries are often oversimplified. They are more than just saying “no” or setting limits. 

 

A boundary is a form of self love and respect that communicates to others what, where, and how much of your energy you’re willing to give away. I like to think about boundaries as your personal energy currency. Just like your bank account, you have a set amount of currency each day to spend. You give away your currency through the energy you expend at work, at home, on your friends, and on yourself. When boundaries are unclear, not honored, or absent, you can overdraw from your energy account. 

 

Setting effective boundaries begins with two steps: tapping into your self-awareness to gather an honest assessment of how much energy you have, and consciously deciding how much of that you’re willing to share. This assessment extends beyond interpersonal relationships and applies to all aspects of life, from the media you consume to the conversations you engage in. By recognizing that certain things—whether they’re from TV shows, music, or specific types of interactions—can drain your energy, you can make more intentional choices about what you allow into your life.

How Can I Avoid Misusing Boundaries?

 

While boundaries are essential for protecting our energy and well-being, it’s crucial to understand when we can misuse them as tools for control or manipulation. Consider this: someone has a minor disagreement with a friend and responds by saying, “I need space. It’s my boundary.”  Then, they give that friend the silent treatment for days. 

 

Though this person claims they’re setting a boundary, their real intention is to punish their friend and make them feel bad. This isn’t a true boundary; it’s weaponizing the concept of boundaries to inflict emotional harm.

 

True boundaries are about protecting our energy and well-being, not controlling others’ behavior or seeking revenge. When we use “boundaries” as a cover for manipulation, we’re actually engaging in harmful relationship patterns while hiding behind healthy-sounding language. For instance, if you need genuine space to process emotions after a conflict, a healthy boundary would involve communicating this clearly: “I need a few hours to process my feelings, and then I’d like to discuss this when we’re both calmer.” The key difference lies in the intention: are you protecting your energy, or are you trying to control, punish, or manipulate someone else’s behavior?

 

Another example in a personal relationship could be saying things like, “My boundary is that I need you to text me every hour when you’re out, or I won’t feel safe in this relationship.” That would be a controlling behavior masked as a boundary. Remember, boundaries are about managing our own energy and behavior; they define what we will or won’t do, not what others must do. When we demand specific actions from others and label it as a “boundary,” we’re actually attempting to control their behavior to manage our own anxiety or insecurity.

 

Lastly, we can use boundaries as protective armor instead of filters. We oftentimes see this with leaders who are high achievers yet are known for being somewhat distant and unavailable for their teams. They may say things like, “I’m just too busy with my own workload to get involved in team dynamics or one-on-ones,” or “I need to focus on the bigger picture—that’s my boundary.” This “boundary” in question keeps them from forming any meaningful connections with colleagues, which might also be a way to protect themself from the potential discomfort of emotional exposure, potential criticism, or perceived loss of control.

 

Why Does Setting Boundaries Feel So Hard?

 

We know that setting healthy boundaries can help you be more productive because your energy isn’t being expended in ways you aren’t joyfully or consciously giving away. If the benefits are so clear, why do so many of us struggle here? There’s good reason. Setting and honoring boundaries can be complex and challenging when our own fears, be they real or imagined, lead us to believe that we will be a disappointment if we don’t spend our energy how those around us—or society at large—expects or desires of us. That’s because many of us carry internalized shame around prioritizing our own needs, interpreting boundary-setting as a form of rejection towards others. This internal conflict can lead to self-rejection and denial of our own essential needs and desires. 

 

Our upbringing and societal conditioning have often taught us to “push through” and prioritize others’ comfort over our own well-being, even when it depletes our energy reserves. This learned behavior of constantly accommodating others while ignoring our own limits can create an unsustainable pattern where we consistently overdraw from our personal energy account, leaving us exhausted and disconnected from our authentic needs. 

 

You may also have difficulties setting or honoring your boundaries out of fear that you might damage or lose the relationship altogether. When this happens, you can choose to people please instead of fully expressing where you’re at. Learning how to restrain your depth of care (or fear) can be a useful antidote here. Here’s what I mean by that: if we could collectively grow our window of tolerance for disappointment, we would be better at not exchanging our personal and professional energy needs for the approval or happiness of people or systems. 

What’s Next?

The next time you set a boundary, ask yourself: Is this about protecting my energy, or is it about controlling someone else’s behavior? True boundaries are rooted in self-awareness, compassion, and respect—not in fear or manipulation. When we approach boundaries with clarity and intention, we empower ourselves and those around us to thrive. And don’t forget—it’s okay to have firm boundaries that mean people no longer have access to your energy, so long as they’re not rooted in avoidance.

 

The next time you’re wondering if you should set a boundary or not, think about that energy bank. Who and what are making deposits, and who and what are taking unhealthy withdrawals? Remember, healthy boundaries ensure that there are equitable energy exchanges within relationships, and setting them can lead to a life filled with more authenticity, fulfillment, and overall well-being.

 

Learn more about Vanessa and her work at vanessamcneal.com.