This week, Sarah Noll Wilson and Dr. Teresa Peterson sat down and answered three of your questions about repair:
- “I missed an important deadline, and it impacted the project. How do I own the mistake and regain respect?”
- “What’s the best way to apologize and move forward when you inadvertently offend someone?”
- “There’s low morale after a recent organizational change. How do we address the concerns and rebuild team spirit?”
Want to hear the answers?
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READ THE TRANSCRIPT
Sarah:
Hi, everyone it’s Sarah and Teresa here! We wanted to take a moment to come on and we’re going to try really hard to be snappy. And I already have fallen off that bus by saying we’re going to be snappy with this um but we wanted to take some time to answer some questions that came through related to repair. And this is a topic that has been on my head and heart for a long time as well as Teresa’s, and we’re doing a ton of research around it. Because when we think about creating high quality, high value teams where psychological safety is high, repair becomes really critical.
We’re just going to answer three questions we’re going to talk through some you know um things you should be thinking about uh and then possible ways to move forward. So Teresa let’s start with a pretty common situation of repair, which is addressing mistakes and then regaining credibility.
So the question is: I missed an important deadline and it impacted the project. How do I own my mistake and regain respect?
Teresa, what are some traps people fall into in a situation like that that they need to be aware of?
Teresa:
I think the most common trap is assuming no one noticed. Truthfully I think the trap that runs underneath all of these is the misunderstanding that time alone is going to fix this in some way. Something that sticks out to me that’s important to this when we’re trying to repair, specifically when the repair was one situation one instance as opposed to maybe a lot of cuts, I might take a little bit different approach. But acknowledging publicly or to whoever the stakeholders are that you know what happened, that you own what happened, and that you’re not sweeping it under the rug can go a long way.
As we’ve just seen with a team recently, not only stepping into that moment and saying ‘here’s what I want to do about it and what else comes up for you that you think might be helpful, knowing that my goal is really bringing this back together, regaining respect, or regaining your confidence. Naming these things is a healthy and productive path forward.
Sarah:
It does feel like a really simple framework of acknowledging what happened, and depending on the situation, sharing where the fall happened—not to excuse the behavior or excuse the breakdown, but to realize “I went back, and I understand that this is where I dropped the ball. It could be as simple as “I own it, I’m the one who dropped the ball, I understand that this was the impact (and naming the impact). This is important because sometimes we want to apologize for things quickly instead of really going “I want to own the fact that I did this, that this is the impact it had on people, and here’s what I’m doing moving forward. It’s never blaming anyone else, never saying “yeah, well I didn’t get this from you . . . ”
Teresa:
It’s valuable to think about who needs to hear that because it could be comfortable just to share that with your boss when it was a huge team project and others were impacted by it. I’m thinking about a situation I had at a very youthful age where I made a stupid mistake as a high schooler and almost got booted from my high school play. I apologized to the entire cast and crew because my behavior almost put the entire show at risk, so it [my apology] wasn’t just to the director. It was to everyone. And this type of thing isn’t comfortable, but that’s part of how we regain credibility.
Sarah:
This other question comes up a lot: Maybe you inadvertently offended someone on the team. What’s the best way to apologize and move forward?
One of the traps that we often see people fall into and we’ve both been in at some point is “this wasn’t my intention.” And we think that good intentions absolve us from negative impact, but the example I like to share when working with a group is that any car accident I’ve ever been in, I didn’t intend to hit them, and they didn’t intend to hit me. But the damage is still there. And the stress of the situation is still there. It wasn’t malicious, but the damage still happened, and we need repair.
Teresa:
I think that’s definitely a trap of not taking accountability. Another one that comes up and that I’ve fallen into, and many of us probably have, is that sometimes we catch in the moment that what we said didn’t land, and we just keep on talking and think somehow it’s going to get better. What I would offer to the person who submitted this and to everyone who’s ever been or will be in the same boat is “how do I do a more skillful job of staying tuned to that person that I’m talking to and trying to catch right away if there’s something like ‘oh, I’m not sure the way I meant that landed with how you heard it, can we pause?'” And just finesse it and make up for or correct that moment because what can become a worst case scenario is that either you’re not paying attention or you miss that it bothered that person. Then, days, weeks, or years go by, and we’re still stuck back at the moment of injury. That’s a much more awkward place of repair, a much more vague place of repair. I think a bit of immediacy and smoothing if we feel like we’re missing the mark in real time is important. Like, “What I intended as a compliment, I don’t think that landed with you.” And let’s call the time out.
Sarah:
Yeah, that resonates for me. That’s something Nick and I work on a lot, and I found myself recently–I’ll make an observation or state something without considering that it might feel personal to him or sharp, when it has nothing to do with him. Actually, it was just coming from my own challenges. So, I’ve had a lot of moments where I’m like, “Oh, hold on.” But the point you’re bringing up of being able to more quickly pay attention to when the injury might happen is also showing empathy and care for the other person.
Sarah:
Okay, so last is this one that we get brought in a lot, and it’s so interesting: There’s low morale after a recent organizational change. How do we address the concerns and rebuild team spirit?
So, we’re talking about s systemic-wide challenge and how we address the concerns if there’s low morale after. Oh boy, do we see this situation a lot. What comes up for you?
Teresa:
Something that might ruffle some feathers of the leaders within the organization is the idea that repair might even be necessary after a change. Sometimes I think when you’ve made a case for it that seems logical and appropriate and you have access to all the information, it’s so frustrating when other people aren’t seeing it or experiencing it how you are. And I’m thinking of an organization we serve recently who does have some repair to do, not even because people are in disagreement about what needed to change but how the change felt. Like, people described it as the claw that they just got plucked up and reassigned without being heard or treated as human, right? There were lots of very negative reactions to the “how.” We know that this is sensitive stuff. People are likely to experience that loss. And when we’re not naming it and treating people like they’re interchangeable, repair is going to be necessary.
The other thing that stuck out to me, and this one we hear a lot, whether they call it team spirit or whatever, is: people can still successful accomplish their jobs while they’re struggling with culture change. I think sometimes it is for the leader’s comfort that people have their t-shirts on . . .
Sarah:
When morale is high. When morale is high, it’s easier for you.
Teresa:
Right. So I would encourage decoupling the idea that people have to be shouting from the rooftops how great it is to work here in order for them to be successfully doing their jobs. They can be successfully doing their jobs while navigating those tricky feelings.
Sarah:
Yeah. And just to highlight again what you said: sometimes it’s the what, but more often than not, it’s the how. And there’s this expectation that people should be grateful that they have a job. That’s something we hear a lot. Part of it is, and I think about the great quote of “leading change is disappointing people at a level they can tolerate.” But recognizing how you communicate, who you involve in the conversations, who you don’t involve in the conversations, can have a significant impact.
Again, repair isn’t always these huge moments. It can be clarifying, acknowledging the impact, and talking about what we’re going to do to move forward. And obviously, Friends, if you have other situations or challenges that you want us to explore here on the newsletter or on our podcast, please send us an email. We’d love to hear your challenges and help you think through them.
So with that my friends, we’re going to wrap up. Take care, everyone. Be well. Bye.
Sarah Noll Wilson is on a mission to help leaders build and rebuild teams. She aims to empower leaders to understand and honor the beautiful complexity of the humans they serve. Through her work as an Executive Coach, an in-demand Keynote Speaker, Researcher, Contributor to Harvard Business Review, and Bestselling Author of “Don’t Feed the Elephants”, Sarah helps leaders close the gap between what they intend to do and the actual impact they make. She hosts the podcast “Conversations on Conversations”, is certified in Co-Active Coaching and Conversational Intelligence, and is a frequent guest lecturer at universities. In addition to her work with organizations, Sarah is a passionate advocate for mental health.
Dr. Teresa Peterson
Dr. Teresa Peterson is the Director of Learning and Development for Sarah Noll Wilson, Inc. In her daily work, she serves as Sarah’s key content collaborator. Teresa enjoys facilitating, researching, and is passionate about applying best practices for learning to make our experiences meaningful, engaging, and accessible for all types of learners. Teresa holds a Doctorate in Education from the University of Northern Iowa and brings over twenty years of experience teaching, facilitating, and leading to our team. Our clients love Teresa’s grounded energy, depth of thought, and ability to listen deeply.